I put it out there a few days ago.  Asking people to give me some insight into that moment that they finally felt "good enough".  What did I get.....crickets.  So I decided to start engaging in face to face conversations and ask the question.  When was the moment that you felt "good enough" and why they felt no one replied to me.  I had one person tell me that people don't want to look at their pain.  It's not what attracts them to wanting to connect.  It's an interesting thought because it's been my experience that it is the one thing that tends to connect us all.  Another person told me that when thinking about my question she began to run through all the reasons why she wasn't good enough through her head.  She explained never feeling like she's had that one turning point to grasp on to.  Times of feeling good enough were fleeting and disregarded.  It was interesting that her mind went searching for the proof that she was not. 

ENOUGH!!

The mind is a tricky thing.  When we hold a limiting belief like "I'm not good enough" all of a sudden we will find the proof and then what happens... well we get to be "right".  It's amazing how much a belief that we hold can actually create our reality.  So then it must go without saying that when we change the belief we get to change our reality!


1) Where's your focus?

Are you looking at all the ways you are not good enough or have you acknowledged where you have shown up as more than good enough? It's kinda like the 80/20 rule.  Okay go ahead and check the 20% for areas of learning and improvement but please make it brief and avoid bathing in it.  Then refocus on the 80% of the awesomeness of who you are.   The reality is that once you practice this that 20% will become simply an opportunity for learning and will with time become fleeting and disregarded.

2) Whatcha thinkin about?

We have 60,000-90,000 thoughts a day.  How many of yours are the same thought over and over again?   What if that thought was loving kind and compassionate?  What if you spoke to yourself in your head the same way that you talk to your best friend?  What would you say to yourself in that case?  Go ahead....what would you say?  How would you tell your best friend that they are more than good enough?  Because if you can see it in them, guess what, it's IN YOU!

3) Avoid Comparison!

Comparison is the root of all unhappiness.  What else do you need to know about that?! The people you compare yourself to are comparing themselves to you or someone else...STOP IT!  We are all on our own journey and I read once you cannot compare where I'm at on my journey with where you're at on yours.  

4) Compassion

When was the last time you were compassionate with yourself in the same way you are with others?  Try it. What does it sound like, look like and feel like?

5) Seek Support

When you can't pull yourself out of the place of never feeling good enough seek help.  Find someone who will not simply sit in your pain with you but that will help pull you out.  The caveat is you must be willing.  You don't need to know how, you just need to be willing.

If you have a child in rep hockey this can be a crazy and stressful time of year.  THE TRYOUT. Vying for positioning on teams they want to play on.   We have been through it before and we will go through it again.   Managing expectations, encouraging and always supporting our son.  Always managing our own projections around what we think is best or managing any projections our own unrealized childhood dreams on to him.
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This year our son was back in the position of questioning whether he should tryout for the Bantam AAA team again.  You see he had been cut last year and it was the fourth time in his time playing hockey that he had been cut from a team that a community of people told him he should never have been cut from.  Not only a tough pill for a kid to swallow but a tough one to accept that it happened four times.  Why that was happening to him….well that’s a whole other blog. LOL  But here’s what we learned through the process for our son in taking the risk to tryout again…


1. YOU WILL WANT TO STAY COMFORTABLE
When it comes to levelling up there will always be a part of you that wants to stay where you are at.  You will want to stay with people you know, with the people you are loyal to and where you already know you play well.  You will want to stay there because we are programmed to want to survive as human beings, not to thrive.  I know it seems counterintuitive but its true.  We want to stay in that which we know.

Anytime we are in a position of growth it will be uncomfortable, Accept it.

2.  THERE WILL BE A PERIOD OF INDECISION
When you start to open up to the possibility of what could be.  When you really allow yourself to consider you could make that next team it will be difficult to know what is the exact “right” choice.  Then the “what ifs” creep in.   “What if I do make it?”  “What if I don’t make it?” “What if I just stay where I am now?”  and the dreaded “What will other people think?”

Confusion is a very high state of mental functioning and means you are coming to a decision, Allow it.

3.  EVERYONE WILL HAVE AN OPINION IF YOU ASK THEM
Seeking the advice of others is a common thing to do when in a state of indecision around what is best.  Here’s the thing…everyone has an opinion and everyone’s opinion is based on their own experience.  Their experience is not YOUR experience.  People will make judgments based on their model of the world.  The best thing to do is find your most trusted people.  Those that will push you and respect your decisions all at the same time.   When my son was in a state of indecision, I also ran him through a technique called “The Four Magic Questions” for decision making.  Do you know where he got his answers?!  From right inside himself, he just needed to see it on paper.

You have all the answers inside of you, you just need the right people to help bring them out, Resource them.

4.  GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT
So what is the big picture you have for yourself?  My brother, founder of Sovereign Sports Management Scott Oswin, www.ssmagents.com (and yes a shameless plug LOL) repeatedly asked my son this question.  What do you want?  And then he listened to him when he expressed what he saw for himself.  Once my son got clear on what he wanted so did his path and his choices.

Creating the picture in your head of what you WANT not what you don’t want gives you clarity, create your Vision.


5.  THE HEAT WILL TURN UP
In other words this is what we call the “bifurcation point”.  This is when you will get tested on your resolve.  Is this truly what you want?  And yes it happened to my son during his tryouts.  The details of that are not important but his resolve and character was challenged.  But because he was clear on his decision and clear on what he wants he was able to stay focused and move through the outside forces designed to question and install doubt and worry.

When you’re in a position of growth, doubt and worry are common, move through them, stay Focused.


6.  DO THE WORK AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD
The first five learnings were all about my son learning about and becoming who he wants to BE.  This last learning is all about Doing.  This is where action takes place.  You see any time you’re gonna take a risk you have to stay in action.  You may be uncomfortable. You may experience indecision.  There will be no shortage of people with opinions.  The heat will get turned up.  You will be forced to get really clear on what you want and all the while you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Show up and play at a 100%.

We want to Do what we want, to Have what we want, so we can Be who we want to Be.   My son showed me how to Be who you are, to Do what you love, to Have what you want.  It all starts with who you are BEING.

Yes my son taught us a lot this week about taking risks.  Did he make the AAA team?…

Does it matter?

Yesterday..... I was ready to give up.  Give up on the dream. Give up on what brings me joy.  Give up on me.  It isn't the first time and it probably won't be the last.  Yesterday, the voice in my head beckoned me to stop sacrificing my family and their needs for my selfish dream.  Yesterday I focused on lack.  Yesterday my dream was insignificant.  Yesterday everyone around me was "suffering" so I could live my purpose. Yesterday I hated myself. Yesterday I chose everyone else's needs before my own.  Yesterday I was sad, alone, tortured and "in my shit".  Yesterday I was 3 feet from gold and I was gonna say fuck it.  Yesterday the "grey zone" looked enticing and promising and well to be honest comfortable.  

Today.... I decided to choose.  Today I decided my cup was empty and I needed to refill it.  Today I decided to believe in me.  Today I choose to have hope and see the possibilities.  Today I know who I am and how I may serve others.  Today I am in my power and love myself.  Today the future is bright and abundant.  Today I trust and today I have faith.  Today I surrender and today I recognize that my dream has worth.  Today I AM.  

Tommorrow.... who the hell knows! So I'm going to choose to stay in Today.

Have you had repeated experiences that have left you feeling “not good enough” or “unlovable”?  Do you attract negative people into your life?  Have you ever asked yourself “how did I get here again?!”  Do you have reoccurring pain?  Do you have limiting beliefs about yourself that keep you stuck?  I did. My limiting belief was about being “broken”.
Have you ever heard the proverb “healer heal thyself”?  It always resonated with me.  I always knew that in order to continue to counsel and support others I needed to do my own “work” and yet fear had always stopped me.  That is until about 13 years ago.  I was a successful counsellor at a small social service agency, the mother to two beautiful children with an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally.   Yet I knew that there was something inside me that continued to feel “broken” in some way.  I didn’t really understand it or why it was there.  All I knew is that it was holding me back from being my true self.
A dear friend and colleague of mine suggested I try a Quantum Change Process.  I had no true understanding of what it was but I trusted my friend wholeheartedly and I was open and willing to give it a chance.  Here is what I learned.  Our body holds memory on a cellular level and those memories, whether we consciously remember them or not, have a whole set of beliefs attached to them.  For me the belief that took root was one of being “broken” and it started at a much earlier time in my life.  The Quantum Change Process utilizes Applied Behaviour Kinesiology (muscle testing) to tap into that cellular memory and I was able to figure out when it started, who needed to be addressed and it allowed me to resolve that old belief and let it go once and for all.
Three hours later I had my answers and I had so much more than that.  I had a new lens through which I saw the world, the people I loved the most and most importantly how I saw myself. I no longer saw myself as “broken” but as completely perfect in my imperfections.   The process helped me to release that old limiting belief in a safe, non-judgemental space so that I could move forward loving myself.
Now I know why that old belief was there!  I know why I felt  “broken” all those years.  It was all so that I could get to where I am now.  What I couldn’t believe is that the practitioner I worked with was the only one offering this modality of support!  I knew then that I needed to be trained in The Quantum Change Process so that I could share it with others.  Do you know what your limiting beliefs are?  Would it be of value to you to finally let go of that? Would it be of value to you to take back your power?  How much longer do you want to wait?

I picked my 13 year old daughter up from  a sleepover where the girls had made tie dyed t-shirts for a school activity.  My daughter entered the vehicle and as I complemented her on her shirt she burst into tears.  Oops I had said the wrong thing apparently and didn’t know what or why!  “It sucks and its more white than colour and I hate it”.  As I attempt to make it okay and make it “no big deal”  she elaborates saying “everyone said how much they liked each others and they said nothing about mine, I look different from everyone else”.  In my desperate attempt to have her stop crying and “fix it” I desperately try to sell her on the fact that  it is unique just like her and to embrace her uniqueness and that it makes her different and that is a good thing!  Her head snaps in my direction, tears streaming down her face and she says “I DON’T WANT TO BE DIFFERENT!”   
I forgot.  Although uniqueness and being different can be celebrated, for teens not feeling like you fit in can translate on how you feel about yourself.  Feeling like you “fit in” and having a strong sense of belonging helps teens in several ways: 
1.    Belonging increases coping and life skills.   Our first place that we need to feel that we belong is within our family.  Here we can model skills that will help us make good life decisions in the future.   When we belong to a group we have the opportunity for our own learning and that from the experiences of others.  My daughter had to learn how to cope with this situation and build the skills to come up with a solution (well with my help of course when I was going to buy her whatever she needed) lol
2.    Belonging increases self esteem and self confidence.  When you feel like you truly fit in and like you belong to something it can give you a sense of purpose and a belief in yourself.  For my daughter, she was able to feel good about being part of her group, to contribute and eventually succeed at the activity they were doing at school.
3.    Belonging builds our sense of identity.  My daughter my have been resistant to being “different” from her peers but it gave her the opportunity to explore who she is in relation to the group.  
4.    Belonging reduces isolation.  This is the biggy.  The risks of isolation are just too high for our children.  With rates of depression going up for our youth, isolation is just a risk.  My daughter was willing to miss the school activity rather than be different.  
So was it about the tie dyed shirt for my daughter? No.  That feeling of belonging was being threatened and she was reacting.  And well yes let’s face it so was I.  So what happened? My daughter called her friend and asked if she could use her colours to redo her shirt (life skill).  However, after one night of allowing the shirt to dry she came to realize that there was more colour than she had originally thought.  Crisis averted.  She went to school and participated in The Amazing Race (as opposed to not going and isolating herself). She went on to win the Amazing Race with her group and realized that she does at times blow things out of proportion and learned there is always a solution (coping skills and lesson in identity).   Am I rejecting differences? Absolutely not!  I feel they are just as important.  What I am acknowledging is that we all feel the need to fit in and belong to something, whether that be family, sports groups, coffee chats, or a virtual community.  Think about it, what gives you a sense of belonging?  
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