I put it out there a few days ago. Asking people to give me some insight into that moment that they finally felt "good enough". What did I get.....crickets. So I decided to start engaging in face to face conversations and ask the question. When was the moment that you felt "good enough" and why they felt no one replied to me. I had one person tell me that people don't want to look at their pain. It's not what attracts them to wanting to connect. It's an interesting thought because it's been my experience that it is the one thing that tends to connect us all. Another person told me that when thinking about my question she began to run through all the reasons why she wasn't good enough through her head. She explained never feeling like she's had that one turning point to grasp on to. Times of feeling good enough were fleeting and disregarded. It was interesting that her mind went searching for the proof that she was not.
The mind is a tricky thing. When we hold a limiting belief like "I'm not good enough" all of a sudden we will find the proof and then what happens... well we get to be "right". It's amazing how much a belief that we hold can actually create our reality. So then it must go without saying that when we change the belief we get to change our reality!
1) Where's your focus?
Are you looking at all the ways you are not good enough or have you acknowledged where you have shown up as more than good enough? It's kinda like the 80/20 rule. Okay go ahead and check the 20% for areas of learning and improvement but please make it brief and avoid bathing in it. Then refocus on the 80% of the awesomeness of who you are. The reality is that once you practice this that 20% will become simply an opportunity for learning and will with time become fleeting and disregarded.
2) Whatcha thinkin about?
We have 60,000-90,000 thoughts a day. How many of yours are the same thought over and over again? What if that thought was loving kind and compassionate? What if you spoke to yourself in your head the same way that you talk to your best friend? What would you say to yourself in that case? Go ahead....what would you say? How would you tell your best friend that they are more than good enough? Because if you can see it in them, guess what, it's IN YOU!
3) Avoid Comparison!
Comparison is the root of all unhappiness. What else do you need to know about that?! The people you compare yourself to are comparing themselves to you or someone else...STOP IT! We are all on our own journey and I read once you cannot compare where I'm at on my journey with where you're at on yours.
When was the last time you were compassionate with yourself in the same way you are with others? Try it. What does it sound like, look like and feel like?
5) Seek Support
When you can't pull yourself out of the place of never feeling good enough seek help. Find someone who will not simply sit in your pain with you but that will help pull you out. The caveat is you must be willing. You don't need to know how, you just need to be willing.
If you have a child in rep hockey this can be a crazy and stressful time of year. THE TRYOUT. Vying for positioning on teams they want to play on. We have been through it before and we will go through it again. Managing expectations, encouraging and always supporting our son. Always managing our own projections around what we think is best or managing any projections our own unrealized childhood dreams on to him.
This year our son was back in the position of questioning whether he should tryout for the Bantam AAA team again. You see he had been cut last year and it was the fourth time in his time playing hockey that he had been cut from a team that a community of people told him he should never have been cut from. Not only a tough pill for a kid to swallow but a tough one to accept that it happened four times. Why that was happening to him….well that’s a whole other blog. LOL But here’s what we learned through the process for our son in taking the risk to tryout again…
1. YOU WILL WANT TO STAY COMFORTABLE
When it comes to levelling up there will always be a part of you that wants to stay where you are at. You will want to stay with people you know, with the people you are loyal to and where you already know you play well. You will want to stay there because we are programmed to want to survive as human beings, not to thrive. I know it seems counterintuitive but its true. We want to stay in that which we know.
Anytime we are in a position of growth it will be uncomfortable, Accept it.
2. THERE WILL BE A PERIOD OF INDECISION
When you start to open up to the possibility of what could be. When you really allow yourself to consider you could make that next team it will be difficult to know what is the exact “right” choice. Then the “what ifs” creep in. “What if I do make it?” “What if I don’t make it?” “What if I just stay where I am now?” and the dreaded “What will other people think?”
Confusion is a very high state of mental functioning and means you are coming to a decision, Allow it.
3. EVERYONE WILL HAVE AN OPINION IF YOU ASK THEM
Seeking the advice of others is a common thing to do when in a state of indecision around what is best. Here’s the thing…everyone has an opinion and everyone’s opinion is based on their own experience. Their experience is not YOUR experience. People will make judgments based on their model of the world. The best thing to do is find your most trusted people. Those that will push you and respect your decisions all at the same time. When my son was in a state of indecision, I also ran him through a technique called “The Four Magic Questions” for decision making. Do you know where he got his answers?! From right inside himself, he just needed to see it on paper.
You have all the answers inside of you, you just need the right people to help bring them out, Resource them.
4. GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT
So what is the big picture you have for yourself? My brother, founder of Sovereign Sports Management Scott Oswin, www.ssmagents.com (and yes a shameless plug LOL) repeatedly asked my son this question. What do you want? And then he listened to him when he expressed what he saw for himself. Once my son got clear on what he wanted so did his path and his choices.
Creating the picture in your head of what you WANT not what you don’t want gives you clarity, create your Vision.
5. THE HEAT WILL TURN UP
In other words this is what we call the “bifurcation point”. This is when you will get tested on your resolve. Is this truly what you want? And yes it happened to my son during his tryouts. The details of that are not important but his resolve and character was challenged. But because he was clear on his decision and clear on what he wants he was able to stay focused and move through the outside forces designed to question and install doubt and worry.
When you’re in a position of growth, doubt and worry are common, move through them, stay Focused.
6. DO THE WORK AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD
The first five learnings were all about my son learning about and becoming who he wants to BE. This last learning is all about Doing. This is where action takes place. You see any time you’re gonna take a risk you have to stay in action. You may be uncomfortable. You may experience indecision. There will be no shortage of people with opinions. The heat will get turned up. You will be forced to get really clear on what you want and all the while you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Show up and play at a 100%.
We want to Do what we want, to Have what we want, so we can Be who we want to Be. My son showed me how to Be who you are, to Do what you love, to Have what you want. It all starts with who you are BEING.
Yes my son taught us a lot this week about taking risks. Did he make the AAA team?…
Does it matter?
I highly recommend Kelley Oswin for clinical supervision. I have been accessing clinical supervision over the last four years with Kelley Oswin. I am a coach and master practitioner in modalities focused on discovering the root cause of a problem and releasing through emotional clearing. As a helper, I actively coach people through one on one personal work and holding space for individuals to release, let go of trauma.
Having Kelley as my clinical supervisor has allowed me to access tools and resources to manage compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma. Burn out can be a real outcome in the helping industry and this is why I invest time and energy into clinical supervision.
Kelley has a unique and confidential process that has allowed me to develop new skills to ensure the quality of my work and service to clients is at 100%. What I find the most valuable is being able to safely and openly discuss my experience of the work to ensure I am managing and resourcing my self-care through critical self-reflection. I have developed my own identity, I know my beliefs and attitudes and because of this I can continue to create a safe, non-judgemental and empowering space for my own clients. My own personal confidence in the helping field has increased by 100% because of this supervision.
Kelley is an expert, leader and has the incredible ability to make me feel safe mentally and emotionally. Her space allows me to gain support, debrief and ensure I am responsible for my own ‘stuff’. I believe to help others we must always be helping ourselves and through Kelley’s supervision and guidance I can say her support has been priceless. As a helper helping others, I believe clinical supervision is a necessary investment in my coaching practice. The support has given me new tools to grow as a coach thus ultimately empowering clients to achieve their highest results.
I highly recommend Kelley Oswin for ongoing clinical supervision.
I can tell you exactly the first time I experienced vicarious trauma. I was a new social worker and the ripe old age of 23yrs. I listened to my client with compassion as she walked me through her step by step account of her violent sexual assault. I thought about it for weeks. I created the movie in my head of what I thought she must have experienced. I lived it in my mind’s eye, over and over again for weeks.
Here were some of my experience and warning signs:
This can include feeling of worry, grief, anxiety, guilt or sadness. On the opposite end it can show up as anger or irritability. I was experiencing great worry about this client and how she was doing. As I replayed the movie in my head and struggled I also felt guilty for struggling thinking of course she was the one who had had this experience who am I to have the right to think about the impact this had on me? I was also extremely angry. Anger that I admittedly directed at males (even thought I had evidence in my life of some very great men). I had a limiting belief that I was helpless.
Any notable change in behaviour really. It may be isolation, increase in substance use, difficulty sleeping. became hyper vigilant as a result of what I had heard. Always aware of my surroundings and deciding that at any given moment a male could turn into a predator and that every woman at one moment or another was at risk and there was nothing we could do to stop is. At night I listened to every sound the house made wondering if someone was coming in to harm me. I had a limiting belief that I was extremely powerless.
Symptoms can show up like stomach issues, headaches, rashes, etc. Your body’s response to everything it may be hearing and taking in. For me it was weight gain. I came to learn that I wanted to protect myself and the weight provided me with protection from the energetics of those I was working with and protection from harm. I had a limiting belief that I was unsafe.
Symptoms can include difficulty connecting with joy, loss of connectedness with Self, and disillusionment of the good in the universe and disconnection for Source, God, Universe, Creator (or whatever term you call your connection). For me I moved into complete rejection of the concepts. I couldn’t even say the word “God” for the longest time without cringing. I disconnected from myself in order to keep myself safe if that makes sense in any way. I had a limiting belief that I was unworthy.
So What Helped?
I was lucky that I had a system in place to help me process called “Clinical Supervision”. It gave me the opportunity to talk about what was happening for me. I also later learned the tools of The Quantum Change Process™ and Timeline Therapy™ that would ultimately help move me into a place of forgiveness and would allow me to release and let go of all the limiting beliefs that came up for me. If you are working in the “font lines” and you are exposed to trauma on a regular basis it is important to access support.
Let me help you to work through your limiting beliefs and vicarious trauma.
For more information visit Clinical Supervision for Coaches and Counsellors @ www.kelleyoswin.com
My husband is a firefighter and I am a counsellor, we both run The Rescuer Archetype in the work we do, however I see the shadow aspects show up more often in helping profession of counselling, coaching and therapy. Let me explain….
Caroline Myss, one of the leaders in Archetypes along with Carl Jung, teaches us that the Rescuer assists when needed and once the “rescue mission” is accomplished the rescuer withdraws. A Rescuer can provide support and strength when others in are in a crisis situation or lack the know how to move through difficulties. The operative words there being withdrawing when the mission is accomplished. You see in my husbands line of work they always withdraw after mission completion but do you as a counsellor, coach or therapist? Or perhaps it shows up in personal relationships with family and friends?
Where those in the helping professions run risks in terms of burnout is when the shadow aspects of this archetype show up. It can show up in the unconscious need to be needed and keeps the “rescuee” in the need of being rescued. The need to be needed or the thoughts that “it can only be me” “, "it has to be me”, “no one can do it as well as me” perpetuates the inability to set boundaries and say no to ongoing requests, leading to burn out and compassion fatigue. Not being willing to say no creates the illusion that it becomes more and more difficult to say no. Essentially and inadvertently taking the power away from the clients we are working with. Being readily available to meet all requests and needs causes us to expand and extend beyond what is healthy and good for us.
5 Tips for Managing Rescuer Archetype Burn Out
Boundaries: You’ve heard it a million times. You teach people how to treat you but here’s the thing you also teach people how to treat themselves. When you model a lack of boundaries no matter what you teach your actions speak louder than words. Remember the old saying “Children do what you do not what you say”. Well the same is true for adults. Words become useless if you’re not modelling.
Time Management: You do not have to pack everything into one day! I used to tell the counsellors that I supervised all the time, do you expect when you call your doctor that they will get you in that day? Yes it’s great if they absolutely can but for the most part we understand that that is not always possible. Spread your workload out. Schedule space between appointments. Sometimes more space is needed than appointments depending on the nature of your work.
Set Priorities: You get to decide what to prioritize. Stay plugged into the things and people you choose but unplug from those that are simply draining your energy. Set limits and prioritize based on needs.
Say NO: Once again this is all about modelling. We’ve all heard it “no” is a complete sentence. Avoid justifications or creating any loop holes.
Rest: Avoid saving all your down time for a vacation! You need to build it time to shut down and take care of just you. Shut off the phone, shut off the electronics daily at a specific time, hours before you go to sleep.
When you have extended far beyond yourself and you’re burning out then it is time to pull all that energy back in. Turn it inward and give to yourself.
"Your clients survived before you and they will survive after you" - Kelley Oswin
Kelley Oswin is a Counsellor and Clinical Supervisor with over 20 years experience in the field of Social Work and Counselling. Now in private practice Kelley is taking her knowledge and tools and creating more support systems for those in the helping professions, to ensure that they are well taken care of while doing the work in the "frontlines".
Until I met Kelley I lived my life emotionally charged and my negative feelings led the way. I felt out of control, hypersensitive, defeated, unworthy and angry. I had tried everything from counselling to support groups and from self-help books to medication - yet the movies kept playing in my head and I was always on the defense. I have learned through Kelley's gentle guidance and task-oriented approach that my anxiety was a lie, we identified the source and I was able to forgive and heal old hurts. I have learned that there is no person or situation to blame, rather it is in my power to take control and to take response-ability for my feelings. My healing is a journey and mistakes are bound to happen which will only bring more growth and enlightenment. It is very hard work to feel vulnerable and change old habits, but my 'bag of stuff' was preventing me from enjoying life. Who I am today is the person I believe was buried by the lie. I have always been this person and now I have found my voice. - Caitlin
Yesterday..... I was ready to give up. Give up on the dream. Give up on what brings me joy. Give up on me. It isn't the first time and it probably won't be the last. Yesterday, the voice in my head beckoned me to stop sacrificing my family and their needs for my selfish dream. Yesterday I focused on lack. Yesterday my dream was insignificant. Yesterday everyone around me was "suffering" so I could live my purpose. Yesterday I hated myself. Yesterday I chose everyone else's needs before my own. Yesterday I was sad, alone, tortured and "in my shit". Yesterday I was 3 feet from gold and I was gonna say fuck it. Yesterday the "grey zone" looked enticing and promising and well to be honest comfortable.
Today.... I decided to choose. Today I decided my cup was empty and I needed to refill it. Today I decided to believe in me. Today I choose to have hope and see the possibilities. Today I know who I am and how I may serve others. Today I am in my power and love myself. Today the future is bright and abundant. Today I trust and today I have faith. Today I surrender and today I recognize that my dream has worth. Today I AM.
Tommorrow.... who the hell knows! So I'm going to choose to stay in Today.
I am a mom of three very different children. All of them are sensitive in their own ways. My daughter, from a very young age, I remember her not wanting to be apart from me. Then for periods of time, she would go to her grandparents or friends house for visits without me. At the age of 8, life became overwhelming for her. She became more of a "mommy's girl" and I was less able to do anything without her attached to my hip. During that year her grandfather (my father) passed away so we all pointed fingers to that. At 9 years it got even more intense and more difficult for her on a daily basis. She didn't want to attend school, which she LOVED or play with friends, even at home. Often when we would walk in the door from being out she would fall to the ground and cry. It was at this point my husband and I began looking more into what help we could get her. We knew that when puberty hit we would be in huge trouble.
Our Doctor seemed to think it was normal and she was maybe going through puberty. We were not convinced. All others said it has to be something at home because she is "normal" everywhere else. I was protecting her from situations that may have caused an outburst so I looked like the bad guy.
Shortly after her crying upon coming home we got her into treatment with a therapist. She specialized in children and we put all our eggs in this basket. Excited and relieved we thought we found the fix for her...man were we wrong.
After exhausting months of our time and thousands of dollars, we didn't see much change in her behaviour. At the end of my parenting rope, feeling helpless and a failure to my baby girl, I asked Kelley if she had anything that would help her. I, at this point thought Kelley dealt with adults but maybe she knew someone or something. I am eternally grateful for asking this question!!!
Kelley offered to meet with my daughter and see if they had any connection. I was afraid to have her get worse because we made changes to her care plan. We had an hour meeting and Kelley made her feel comfortable and warm. At this point Kelley mentioned the Quantum Change Process! I was scared because it seemed like something for adults and too much for my 10 year old to handle. Boy was I wrong!
They discussed this and my daughter was excited to try. And this in of itself was huge. She never got excited for things anymore. The way home from that meeting she was more talkative and interested in what this was going to be. We made the appointment and that was the beginning of my baby girl back.
We went into the appointment curious, scared and excited together. She found out some amazing things while I was in the room and then, my daughter was comfortable enough to ask me to leave while they finished up. I cried tears of joy as I went for a walk. As we drove home my daughter was exhausted, happy, crying and all over the map. Kelley gave me some material to read and understand what she would go through over the next week or so and how to deal with it. We followed her advise and the first week was exhausting and emotional.
Slowly I started noticing her smiling more, wanting to play and go out to the park. A few short weeks later she was able to sleep at her grandmas for the first time in forever. This was huge!!! She is now able to go for bike rides and hang with friends without me by her side. It is because of Kelley and her amazing gift that I have my 10 year old happy daughter back. I can't thank Kelley enough for what she has done for my family.
Have you had repeated experiences that have left you feeling “not good enough” or “unlovable”? Do you attract negative people into your life? Have you ever asked yourself “how did I get here again?!” Do you have reoccurring pain? Do you have limiting beliefs about yourself that keep you stuck? I did. My limiting belief was about being “broken”.
Have you ever heard the proverb “healer heal thyself”? It always resonated with me. I always knew that in order to continue to counsel and support others I needed to do my own “work” and yet fear had always stopped me. That is until about 13 years ago. I was a successful counsellor at a small social service agency, the mother to two beautiful children with an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally. Yet I knew that there was something inside me that continued to feel “broken” in some way. I didn’t really understand it or why it was there. All I knew is that it was holding me back from being my true self.
A dear friend and colleague of mine suggested I try a Quantum Change Process. I had no true understanding of what it was but I trusted my friend wholeheartedly and I was open and willing to give it a chance. Here is what I learned. Our body holds memory on a cellular level and those memories, whether we consciously remember them or not, have a whole set of beliefs attached to them. For me the belief that took root was one of being “broken” and it started at a much earlier time in my life. The Quantum Change Process utilizes Applied Behaviour Kinesiology (muscle testing) to tap into that cellular memory and I was able to figure out when it started, who needed to be addressed and it allowed me to resolve that old belief and let it go once and for all.
Three hours later I had my answers and I had so much more than that. I had a new lens through which I saw the world, the people I loved the most and most importantly how I saw myself. I no longer saw myself as “broken” but as completely perfect in my imperfections. The process helped me to release that old limiting belief in a safe, non-judgemental space so that I could move forward loving myself.
Now I know why that old belief was there! I know why I felt “broken” all those years. It was all so that I could get to where I am now. What I couldn’t believe is that the practitioner I worked with was the only one offering this modality of support! I knew then that I needed to be trained in The Quantum Change Process so that I could share it with others. Do you know what your limiting beliefs are? Would it be of value to you to finally let go of that? Would it be of value to you to take back your power? How much longer do you want to wait?
I picked my 13 year old daughter up from a sleepover where the girls had made tie dyed t-shirts for a school activity. My daughter entered the vehicle and as I complemented her on her shirt she burst into tears. Oops I had said the wrong thing apparently and didn’t know what or why! “It sucks and its more white than colour and I hate it”. As I attempt to make it okay and make it “no big deal” she elaborates saying “everyone said how much they liked each others and they said nothing about mine, I look different from everyone else”. In my desperate attempt to have her stop crying and “fix it” I desperately try to sell her on the fact that it is unique just like her and to embrace her uniqueness and that it makes her different and that is a good thing! Her head snaps in my direction, tears streaming down her face and she says “I DON’T WANT TO BE DIFFERENT!”
I forgot. Although uniqueness and being different can be celebrated, for teens not feeling like you fit in can translate on how you feel about yourself. Feeling like you “fit in” and having a strong sense of belonging helps teens in several ways:
1. Belonging increases coping and life skills. Our first place that we need to feel that we belong is within our family. Here we can model skills that will help us make good life decisions in the future. When we belong to a group we have the opportunity for our own learning and that from the experiences of others. My daughter had to learn how to cope with this situation and build the skills to come up with a solution (well with my help of course when I was going to buy her whatever she needed) lol
2. Belonging increases self esteem and self confidence. When you feel like you truly fit in and like you belong to something it can give you a sense of purpose and a belief in yourself. For my daughter, she was able to feel good about being part of her group, to contribute and eventually succeed at the activity they were doing at school.
3. Belonging builds our sense of identity. My daughter my have been resistant to being “different” from her peers but it gave her the opportunity to explore who she is in relation to the group.
4. Belonging reduces isolation. This is the biggy. The risks of isolation are just too high for our children. With rates of depression going up for our youth, isolation is just a risk. My daughter was willing to miss the school activity rather than be different.
So was it about the tie dyed shirt for my daughter? No. That feeling of belonging was being threatened and she was reacting. And well yes let’s face it so was I. So what happened? My daughter called her friend and asked if she could use her colours to redo her shirt (life skill). However, after one night of allowing the shirt to dry she came to realize that there was more colour than she had originally thought. Crisis averted. She went to school and participated in The Amazing Race (as opposed to not going and isolating herself). She went on to win the Amazing Race with her group and realized that she does at times blow things out of proportion and learned there is always a solution (coping skills and lesson in identity). Am I rejecting differences? Absolutely not! I feel they are just as important. What I am acknowledging is that we all feel the need to fit in and belong to something, whether that be family, sports groups, coffee chats, or a virtual community. Think about it, what gives you a sense of belonging?